
So I feel in the context of all that is going on in the world that my dramas are somewhat petty. That I should be able to just get up and get on with it. But life doesn't always work like that and last night I couldn't sleep for the thoughts racing through my head, for the feelings of panic and anxiety that caused physical pain in my chest. In the end I did sleep a bit but I was awake before the alarm and when it came on with the news, I just burst into tears. Then I was thinking about going to work and initially thought, yes I should be able to tough it out, I will feel better if I just get on with it. This is my default position and usually I stick to it. But my thoughts kept racing, slippery and hard to grasp and place in coherent order. More tears. Then an image of a great big red and white stop sign popped into my head and I realised that I must have left it there before, some other time when I planned how I might act if this happened again. So I decided that I really wasn't in a fit state to go to work. I arose and went in to Grace. She asked me why I had been crying and I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling well and she asked if a cuddle would help. She patted my back and it felt all kinds of strange to be falling apart and be comforted by a five year old. Then we all got up and got on with it. I called work and I told them why I wasn't coming into work. I wish I could have told white lies and preserved my dignity. But I didn't, I said that I had had a major panic attack, had hardly slept and was concerned that I was heading for a manic episode and that no, I'm not OK and that yes, it is work related. I cried. As it happens, I have my monthly shrink appointment tomorrow. And after that I have agreed to talk with someone at work about how I am going. Shit, fuckitty, bum bum.
Truth is though, it isn't all work related. I have had some physical symptoms of anxiety over the last couple of months and I guess I have been hoping that all will be OK. Often it is. Maybe it will be this time. Or maybe I'm heading into the hall of mirrors again. Today I am so tired and so racy that I don't really know where I am. But I have managed to do a couple of loads of washing and get dressed. And I might clean the girl's room. Cleaning is a good use of manic energy, and at least you end up with a cleaner house. Crap. Crap. Crap. I am really far too busy for all this.